Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Results of the Daily Mini-Quiz
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- Your letters
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- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. Ruby Wax is studying for a degree in psychology and philosophy.
2. A single "mother" spud from southern Peru gave rise to all the varieties of potato eaten today, scientists have learned. More details
3. Spanish Flu, the epidemic that killed 50 million people in 1918/9, was known as French Flu in Spain
4. Beryl Bainbridge was expelled from school aged 14 for writing a racy limerick.
5. Belarus has the highest ratio of police to people, of any country in the world.
6. Before Ronnie Barker revealed himself to be the Two Ronnies' mystery sketchwriter Gerald Wiley, some people thought the man behind the mask was Tom Stoppard. More details
7. It's not impossible to drink 40 shots of vodka and still want more. More details
8. The gender of unborn turtles is affected by sea temperature. As seas warm up, there are more female turtles being born. More details
9. Britons take home 430,000 gallons (1.95m litres) of shampoo from hotels every year, a survey has found. More details
10. Author Andrea Levy, winner of the "Orange of Oranges" book prize for her novel Small Island, says she "didn't actually read a book" until she was 23.
[Sources, where stories are not linked: 1: Interview, Daily Mail, 3 October. 3: Daily Telegraph, 6 October. 4: Interview, Guardian, 1 October. 5: Guardian, 1 October. 9: G2, 6 October. 10: Author statement at ceremony.]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it. Thanks this week to Keith Lomax and Emily Clark, 8.
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YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 7 OCTOBER 1600 BST
The new Guinness ad (Ad Breakdown, 7 October) might not reflect the biblical version of creation, but its view of evolution is equally wide of the mark. Contrary to its images, we did not evolve from plesiosaurs (instead our ancestors around that time were small shrew-like animals). To an evolutionary biologist, the ad is as daft as a version of history where Germany wins both World Wars and the 1966 World Cup!
Dr Mike Goetz,
Southampton, UK
"Drink our beer and you'll turn into a caveman. Or possibly a bug." Possibly not the most enticing offer ever.
Steve,
Newcastle
Ketie Bell's letter complaining about tormenting cute little animals such as piglets (Monitor Letters, Thursday) is quite right.We should only be allowed to torment big ugly stinky ones.
John R,
London
This week's caption competition winner, Mia from Guildford's "I'm more of a Harriet Harman man myself…", is possibly the funniest answer to the caption comp ever. I'm just relieved that the days of William Waldegrave are over.
Joe,
UK
Re: Dave Taylor's comments about wiring a plug not being physics (Monitor Letters, Thursday). Get the wiring wrong and you'll soon discover a few laws of physics.
Colin Larcombe,
France
Wiring a plug is indeed on the GCSE physics syllabus. Who said education wasn't useful?
James Ball,
Oxford, UK
On Thursday, Edward Higgins of Plumstead proposed the word "Flexicon" (Monitor Letters, Thursday). This reminds me of the Nissan adverts where they would combine two words to make a new one such as "modtro" (modern and retro) and "spafe" (spontaneous yet safe). This enabled me to describe my Micra, which was shiny and bright.
Greg,
Croydon, UK
Soon everyone – even fauxhunters and hamateurs* – will need a flexicon to read these maglets. Where will it all end? [*hamateur - 1) a non-professional swimming pig with a tendency to over-act; 2) people who behave as such].
Curt Carpenter,
Dallas,Tx US
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FRIDAY OBJECTIVE 7 OCTOBER 1440 BST
The Friday Objective has been given compassionate leave.
It was a bit upset that the pictures you submitted to the Vettriano experiment were so good that whatever it came up with would look paltry, worthless or even contemptible. So it was excused duty until next week. (Note to self: Beware working with creatives.)
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PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 7 OCTOBER 0930 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
If only Paper Monitor could offer free giveaway DVDs. Maybe a collection of all-time great 10 Things We Didn't Know, set to music by Ben Elton and Bjorn Ulvaeus.
This is not, of course, to suggest that Monitor readers would be shallow enough to come to this little corner of the internet just to pick up free goodies. We know you come to share the love. And yet the race among the papers to outdo each other with DVDs and CDs gets hotter every week.
Does it not worry newspaper executives that, despite everything their paper has to offer, what will make the difference is what film they give away?
So here's this weekend's rundown, to help you select your reading matter.
The Mirror: Free double CD, Pride of Britain, including tracks by Paul Weller, Jamie Cullum, The Animals and Tom Jones.
The Mail: Bob the Builder DVD
The Times: Cabaret DVD (the film, not the variety genre)
The Indie: DVD of Indochine
The Guardian: DVD of East is East
The FT- no DVD, but Saturday's is a special "billionaire" edition.
The Express – no mention of a DVD either, but there is a chance to win a camper van.
Finally a last word on the Tory party conference, a subject which has given Paper Monitor much pleasure all week. Today the papers report on Michael Howard's farewell speech. The Telegraph reports that he "said the party needed a leader who could understand young people's aspirations and connect with the 'internet and iPod' generation."
Some sort of USB cable would seem to be in order then?
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FRIDAY 7 OCTOBER 0911BST
In Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked if the 'gator-eating python had lived or died. Two-thirds of you correctly answered that it perished, having eaten until it burst. Today's question is on the Magazine index now.
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YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 6 OCTOBER 1550 BST
Re: the reports on the website this week about Britain's drug habit. I think the problem stems from the media with its unrealistic and over-inflated view of the perfect lifestyle. There are far too many images of the celebrity dressed to the nines and high as a kite. This doesn't exactly spell doom and disaster for the person who might otherwise be wary of taking drugs. In fact, drug-taking as portrayed through the media, comes across as the favourite leisure activity of a successful, good looking and cool person. Who wouldn't want a part of that?
Andrew,
Leeds
Re: How smart are you? – Physics. Does knowing how to wire a plug really count as physics?
Dave Taylor,
Leeds, UK
School meals do not cause obesity, eating too much does (Pupils 'healthier on school food', 5 October). I was brought up on reconstituted meat (spam and corned beef), and it did me no harm. Trying to make children eat foods a celeb chef likes will make them rush to the corner shop for sweets.
Stanley Feldman,
London
Cute little pigs forced to swim in animal sporting events (The Big Picture – see right)…not funny, not clever and you shouldn't be promoting it.
Ketie Bell,
Glasgow
Your article on Saturday night television is looking at the past through rose tinted glasses (Ronnies recall TV's golden age, 5 October). Saturday evening television in the late 70s/early 80s hadn't moved on much since the music hall days. It was packed full of middle-of-the-road variety shows. Sometimes there may have been a twist, like The Generation Game, but if anyone remembers Seaside Special and The Val Doonican Show they will question the "Golden Age of Television" tag.
R J Tysoe,
London, UK
Whoops! I actually blushed while reading the letter from Robin Withey criticising my spelling (Monitor letters, Wednesday). That's what comes from hurriedly writing a letter to the Monitor while your boss's back is turned.
David,
Maesteg, South Wales
What Jack Vettriano (DIY artwork, 6 October) has done is the pop equivalent of sampling. Although he has borrowed all the elements of his painting from other works, the end result is his own creation. Nice one Jack.
Ivor,
UK
If Monitor readers are going to continue coming up with new "fauxhunt" style words, it won't be long until we need a name for this catalogue of neologisms. Something which fully conveys the cunning combination of two words to make a new modern meaning. May I therefore please suggest the word "flexicon"?
Edward Higgins,
Plumstead
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CAPTION COMPETITION **UPDATED** FRIDAY 7 OCTOBER 1255BST
It's time for the caption competition.
This week, David Davis – one of the men vying to be Tory leader – meets supporters wearing "It's DD for me" T-shirts at the annual party conference in Blackpool. But what's being said?
6. Martin, Barrowford, England
"No – it's 'Double Diamond' – a beer… it's back in fashion… who are you again?"
5. S Smith, Buckingham
DD: "Never mind. I'm sure they'll make good dusters."
4. Barry Sherbourne, Devizes, UK
"I don't know who you are, mate, but we're advertising underwear."
3. Cameron Critchfield, Basingstoke
"Look at the eyes, not around the eyes, for the Love of God, look at the eyes!!"
2. Neil Franklin, Southampton
David instantly regretted the "lots of support" gag.
1. Mia, Guildford, England
"I'm more of a Harriet Harman man myself…"
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PAPER MONITOR 6 OCTOBER 1125BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Who would have guessed how important a 15-minute speech could be to one's career. The papers are casting doubt over the fortunes of leadership front-runner David Davis after his lacklustre appearance in front of the Tory faithful on Wednesday.
At the same time, they're hailing the performance of a young, unlikely outsider. Not David Cameron, but William Hague.
The former Tory leader, who stepped down after the party's 2001 hammering at the polls, earned 16 rounds of applause during his conference speech yesterday, as well as two standing ovations (one before, one after).
"Ironically, one man emerged last night as the real favourite who would beat the entire field," says Trevor Kavanagh in the Sun. "William Hague delivered a masterclass in public speaking and a shot in the arm to party morale."
Peter Oborne in the Daily Mail says the former leader provided "a brief and tantalising reminder… of his immense political talents".
The Daily Express includes Mr Hague in a list of runners as it asks readers to vote by phone or text.
While the Daily Mirror's Kevin Maguire writes "The next Tory leader might be the old one." He was "witty, sharp, intelligent and personable, which is more than can be said for Davis, Clarke, Cameron, Fox or Rifkind."
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THURSDAY 6 OCTOBER 0952BST
In Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked which name WASN'T a pseudonym used by Ronnie Barker. It was Leonard E Shaw, which 48% of you answered correctly. But 34% said that he didn't use Jack Goetz, and 18% gave the thumbs down to Jonathan Cobbald. Wrong! Today's question is on the Magazine index now.
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YOUR LETTERS 5 OCTOBER 1508BST
Listen, if I'd known there was going to be a physics test (How smart are you? – Physics, 4 October), I'd never have started with the English one. I swear, none of that was on the physics syllabus when I was at school. Of the four I got right, two were pure guess work.
Snoop, Barcelona, Spain
With the new guidelines from the Met Office (Punorama), will future days with lunar eclipses be reported as "mostly sunny"?
Kieran Boyle, Oxford, England
David, yes (Monitor letters, Tuesday), but I also find it extremely irksome to find people consistEntly spelling correspondEnce incorrectly.
Robin Withey, Knaresborough, North Yorkshire, UK
Am I alone in wanting to know what happened to the child (Picture power: Fire-escape drama, 30 September)? It's a pretty haunting image to leave us with, without telling us what happened next.
Kaylie, Runcorn, UK
How embarrassing to be laughed at because your name sounds like a vegetable (Monitor letters, Monday). I'm glad mine doesn't.
B Trute, Bedford, UK
Ann, we did resurrect that joke on campuses across the UK (Monitor letters, Tuesday). Only the older people at uni were aware of the OJ version, so we could wow our younger friends with the new one. Almost worked too.
Debbie, Leeds, UK
Come on, Eastenders, you're behind the game: Giant snake alert in Essex (4 October); Snapper warning issued to village (4 October); River 'croc' may be giant turtle (11 August).
Jel, Brussels
PUNORAMA ***UPDATED*** THURSDAY 6 OCTOBER 1218BST
It's time for Punorama, our pun-writing competition.
The rules are straightforward – we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
This week, your puns please on the story that downbeat descriptions have been banned from weather forecasts by the Met Office. Thus instead of "localised storms", forecasters have been asked to say "dry for most", and "often cloudy" becomes "generally clear".
Echoing last week's linguistic innovation in the Monitor is Weather faux-cast by Smitty, Toronto, Canada.
Clearing for Whether forecast (Darren, Leicester) and Mist opportunity by Ben Moxon, Guildford, Surrey.
Mainly dry over Weather 'tis nobler… (Iain, London, UK) and Raining Datsuns, dogs (James, Cape Town, Brightest Africa).
The outlook's good for You for mist hum by Kip, Norwich UK. (Confused? He adds the postscript "euphemism".) And brightening for Met-aphwoar what a scorcher by Neil Franklin, Southampton, UK, and Meteo-wrong-ogy by Maggie, South London.
Isolated patches of Thunder and brighten-ing (Stuart, West Midlands), strengthening to a Topical Repression (Chris Field, US)
Mostly bright for Spinning in the Rain (Glenn J, UK), and The rain's disdained, it's mainly on the brain (John Russell, London).
And record highs expected for Storm in a Tweak-Up, by Catherine O, Maidenhead, UK.
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PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 5 OCTOBER 0920 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Another day, another party conference medley.
In a bit of Vettriano-inspired fun, the Sun analyses David Cameron's hand gestures ("the clutch", "the boxer", "the thumb") and finds some similarities with a certain public school-educated boy-ish party leader who went all the way to Number 10.
The Mail's Quentin Letts says after Ken Clarke and David Cameron's speeches yesterday, David Davis will have to "do a Freddie Flintoff today". Presumably before the all-night bender.
The Indie's Simon Carr is at least honest: "Overcoming my fear and dislike of young people, I have to say that David Cameron would make a fine deputy for Ken Clarke. And according to the symmetries that seem to govern politics these days, he could play Tony Blair to the older man's John Smith (let's not pursue the analogy, it doesn't end well)."
In the Times, Ann Treneman gives us this snippet: "We were told that there would be no copies of [David Cameron's] speech until afterwards because much of it would be impromptu. This made me snort, for the day before I had watched Dave practising to an empty hall."
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WEDNESDAY 5 OCTOBER
In Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, 59% of you thought Kate Winslet was older than Parminder Nagra (the wonderful Neela in ER). Only 28% of you were correct in saying they were born on the same day, 5 October 1975. So happy birthday to both of them, and also to old friend of the Magazine, Nick Robinson, who is 42 today. Wednesday's question is on the index now.
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YOUR LETTERS 4 OCTOBER 1540BST
If Jack Vettriano based that "Singing Butler" painting on a book (Painter brushes off 'copy' claims, 3 October), then it's the book that we have to blame for it being the wrong way round… The guy should be holding his partner's right hand in his left, not the other way round! He gets it right in "Dance me to the end of love" though.
Andrew Frost,
Winchester, UK
Re: Tory 'Mod Con' rebranding mooted, 4 October. Doesn't Lord Bell realise that Modern Conservative Party will be shortened to MCP which of course also stands for Male Chauvinist Pig? This image is one that they might wish to avoid.
Don,
Fareham, UK
I think I should clarify that the 23% of us who said orange juice in Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz, were joking (Daily Mini-Quiz report).
Ian,
Cosenza, italy
The OJ Simpson Daily Mini-Quiz reminded me of the topical trial knock-knock joke going around at the time: Knock knock – who's there? – OJ – OJ who? – you're on the jury. Can't think why it wasn't resurrected for the Michael Jackson trial this year.
Ann, Stirling
Regarding the "DD" T-shirts worn in support of David Davis (Paper Monitor, Tuesday). Am I the only one who was imagining a lopsided Gordon Brown supporter at the Labour conference?
Gareth Edwards,
Stoke on Trent
Why does the Monitor consistantly fail to close the brackets used when parenthesising links to previous items in people's correspondance (eg the first two letters on 3 Oct)? And am I alone in finding this extremely irksome?
David,
Maesteg, South Wales
Last week in the Monitor, linguistic innovation gave us several new words: plogging, fauxhunt, and maglet. How about this: To bleckle – to blow weblog raspberries?
Jel,
Brussels
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PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 4 OCTOBER 0945 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Much amusement in the papers today about the discovery of photographs on which celebrated artist Jack Vettriano apparently based some of his best-known paintings.
But that's as nothing compared to the tizzy about T-shirts worn by a couple of young ladies at the Conservative Party conference, faithfully reported by Telegraph, Times, Guardian and Independent (but not, for some reason, the tabloids).
"It's DD for me," the slogan across the women's T-shirts say, indicating their backing for David Davis. Yes, it's the Holy Grail for serious political coverage – a cast-iron excuse for photographs of breasts.
The Telegraph has the most in-depth coverage. The woman in question, it reveals, is Zoe Aylward, a corporate tax lawyer from London. "The T-shirts were my idea. This way, people won't have to keep asking who I'm supporting." That must be tricky, people asking all the time, and a great excuse for a "support" joke. Her pal Fay Jones clarifies matters: "[I]f blokes are going to look at your boobs, they might as well learn something in the process."
Everyone is now much the wiser.
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TUESDAY 4 OCTOBER 0930 BST
In Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz, 54% of you correctly identified that the OJ in OJ Simpson stands for Orenthal James. 23% of you thought it stood for Orange Juice. Tuesday's question is on the index now.
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YOUR LETTERS 3 OCTOBER 1640BST
As a Granny with 70+ years of speech on which to draw in times of need, I thank you for these additions to my store (Blogging v Dogging, 28 September. Are these examples of our daily speech to be used when chatting to grandchilden, their parents, or contemporaries? None of the selection has yet been used in my hearing, by anyone. I shall keep the list beside the phone for reference.
Clemency Reade,
Beaminster England
Re Michael Rooseboom's comments about flight attendants (Monitor Letters, Thursday. Perhaps he's unaware that training involves far more than how to pour coffee? Flight attendants are trained in first aid, identifying threats, dealing with unruly passengers and, by no means least, getting everybody off a plane in 90 seconds. Should Mr Rooseboom be unlucky enough to be involved in an evacuation, he'll be grateful for the knowledge and expertise of the "trolley dollies".
Lena Williams,
Manchester, UK
Re: Paper Monitor, Friday. Why is it any surprise that politicians are phasing out verbs in their sentences? A verb is a "word to express an action".
Parminder,
Leeds, UK
Is no one else at all worried about all this talk of banning soft drinks in schools? Wouldn't fat kids be better than alcoholics?
Andrew Fermor,
Bristol
Re: Abramovich's money in Faces of the Week in which you say: "If you can't picture that, try this. Laid out end to end in dollar bills, this week's treasure chest would stretch to the moon and back – twice." Thanks, I was struggling with the concept of a million pounds but that has cleared it up for me. It might also help if you told us the area covered by that number of dollar bills in relation to the size of Wales.
Andy M,
Oxford, UK
Before reading the story, I thought perhaps one of your headline stories was advertising a really bad Enid Blyton novel: Five face deportation after raids, 3 October.
Dave,
Cambridge, UK
Personally I'm very relieved that the new Wallace & Grommit has no mention of condoms or safe sex or unwanted pregnancies.
Christina,
Bath
A few weeks ago we had a letter from Judy Cabbages. Last week we had Ian Onions. Could either contributor bearing these names trace their roots to each other?
Tim McMahon,
Pennar/Wales
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PAPER MONITOR 3 OCTOBER 1030BST
A service celebrating the riches of the daily press.
The Guardian reports on a study which finds that 200 films have no mention of condoms or safe sex or unwanted pregnancies. Film critic Peter Bradshaw writes: "It can hardly be news to any cinema-goer that the moves are failing to represent sex and drugs responsibly. Condoms aren't shown and characters are moreover not depicted suffering the general consequences of unprotected sex. They can also smoke without getting cancer, eat and drink without needing to go to the lavatory and have exciting car chases without ever accidentally running someone over."
Paper Monitor can see it now, a new wave of cinema-verite in which James Bond discovers that his poison-tipped rocket-propelled ballpoint pen has leaked ink all over his Jermyn St shirt, distracting him while his arch-enemy's henchmen grab him and tie him down to a circular saw, which for some reason they can't get to start, after which they use an internal phone to call the engineer but get his voicemail as he's on holiday until the 23rd.
Meanwhile the Mirror has an article about today's partial solar eclipse. Headline and story do not work in perfect harmony here. Headline: "Look up between 8.48am and 11.18am today to see the moon take bite out of the sun." Story: On no account look up to see the solar eclipse.
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MONDAY 3 OCTOBER
Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked which other female popstar is the same age as Kate Bush (who, incidentally, is making a comeback). The answer is Madonna – one which 38% of you guessed correctly. Both songstresses are 47 years old. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index.
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